回国一年了，工作8个月。
I never thought I could go this far like I never thought I could live this longer.
不知道时间是如何爬过我的皮肤。只知道从某种程度上来说，我和“以前”的我甚至“去年”的我，都不再是同一个人。It's like in some way I know what I am doing, but I know NOTHING before I was 25. 我甚至不知道是年龄的原因还是时间和经历的原因，导致我成长为现在的样子。It's like before 25, I was blind, I was uncertain, I was exploring, I was going with the flow, I knew what everyone else was thinking except the answer for myself. It's like I see myself in everyone yet I don't see me.
And then after 25, I finally opened my eyes, like I woke up from a long sleep. I started to make my own decisions and take my own responsibilities. And it feels freaking good to have a little control of your life. Though a lot of the times you are not in control, and it's fine, why? Because you start to realize that“the only thing that doesn't change is that everything is changing all the time". Then you start to accept the uncertainty of your life, and make effort to take control of the things that you can. And that gives you a little bit of courage/confidence each time you accomplish it.
And I couldn't help but wonder if I know I'd be stuck in this body for my whole life, would I cry for it when I was a little girl and blame myself for it? Would I still do it now?
我后来一直在思考的想要写下来的，比如人与人之间的“边界感”，个人的“自洽”，“自由意志”是否存在，还有我所理解的“亲密关系”，以及“性”在一段关系/非关系中存在的价值等等，所有这些思考到最后都因为各种原因被我搁置了。我后来在想，当初之所以没有写下来到底是因为我的懒惰还是因为我根本没有把这些想法理清楚？Otherwise, what am I waiting for? Inspiration? Well that is just the enemy of writing. Or am I just being too comfortable with myself that there is nothing wrong I could point out and possibly talk about? (And how could I not know that there are so many things are going in the wrong way, and if I didn't do a thing, then I am not helping, I am just letting things get away, but there are so many things/people I need to speak out, I need to have them seen) But was I too busy focusing in the moment? Have I overlooked anything that are actually important? Or am I just punishing myself for being too comfortable with myself and somehow I don't know if I deserve it? I don't know.
These are just some nerve-wrecking and meaningless thoughts.